I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
