Small penises have feelings too.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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