Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
