haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
