franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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