So drunk its hurt
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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