dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Randomize
