why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
