im six kinds of drunk right now
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
