My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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