I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
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