Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
