Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
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I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
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I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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