When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
only if we run a train.
done.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
