don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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