i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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