ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
