ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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