my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
