Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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