so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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