Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
