I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
