I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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