She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
