between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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