the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
