i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
