her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Randomize
