something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
