well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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