I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
