Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
