Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
