Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
