You made me cry and you don't even care
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
