I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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