my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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