Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
