Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
