"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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