chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
