Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
