I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
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Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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