Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
