Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
