RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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