First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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