I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
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Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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