Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
