My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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