Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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