Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
