There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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