When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Randomize
