can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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