Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
